Do All Dogs Go to Heaven?

On August 23, 2018, we said goodbye to 2 of our 3 dogs: our energetic and loving 2-year old giant puppy, Jinx, and our beloved 11-year old Boston Terrier, Tug, the "one-eyed warrior."

This story is heartbreaking and horrific.
 

About 2 years ago we brought home an adorable 11-week old puppy.  His mother had been a stray that wandered into a friend of a friend's yard and 4 days later had a litter of puppies.  Wanting to give him a home, and having always wanted a dog that looked like him, we were interested for sure the moment we saw the Facebook post about him.  We already had 2 other dogs, but they were getting older, and we felt that a young dog may give them a youthful boost for their golden years.  Making the decision to get this puppy was easy.  We wanted him immediately. In addition to 2 other dogs, 1 cat, and 9 leopard geckos, he would be our 13th pet at the time; we fittingly named named him Jinx.  

Jinx was 17 pounds when we brought him home.  Tug was 19, maybe 20 pounds.  Tug's size-reign was short lived, as Jinx weighed in at 24 pounds just 2 weeks later.  Tug and Jinx played rough - very rough - with lots of tug-of-war and biting at each other.  Then they snuggled hard together.  We thought Tug was teaching Jinx the ropes and Jinx was bonding with his new brother.  Meanwhile, Della, our 13YO Jack Russel/Pointer mix, was ultimately the "Queen" of the castle, and both Tug and Jinx respected her, but really she just preferred to stay out of their way and bark at them when they got too rowdy.  It was a new dynamic in The McQ Zoo, and it was never boring and always loud.  We enjoyed the chaos.  

Our cat Sebastian begged to differ.  Jinx often lunged at him, but Bastian was quick and small and able to easily hide.  But Jinx definitely had a wild streak and a hunting instinct.  While he was scared to death of neighbors' garage doors opening, the rain falling on his back, the sound of a fence, the school bus brakes, the vet, etc., he was king of the yard, keeping birds and squirrels in check every time we went outside.  We bought a beautiful farm fence so he could enjoy our .75 acre yard freely, but just 3 days after install, he had already learned to climb it.  He would come right to the front door though; he just wanted to be with us b/c he loved us so much.  He was about 6 months old then.  We decided to get a 2nd fence, and this time chose a 6 foot privacy fence, which we had installed backwards so that the smooth side was inside the backyard, with no cross bar to help boost himself up and over.  It contained him for about 2 days before he learned to jump it.  Nothing like buying 2 fences and neither of them working.  We realized Jinx was the most athletic and strongest dog we had ever known.  The power in his back legs was insane.  He could jump 6 feet in the air from standing still.  He was SO MUCH FUN to play with!  And fence jumper or not, he was such a lover to our family.

When Jinx was about 11 months, he and Tug got into a scuffle at the food bowls.  Tug wanted Jinx to wait until he was done before letting him eat, so he growled and started to bite at Jinx.  Jinx really just defended himself, but Tug had just had one of his eyes removed due to a ruptured corneal ulcer, and Jinx managed to open up his stitches and also puncture the back of his neck.  It was super scary and resulted in another trip to the vet and lots of meds.  We decided that food was the cause, and from that point on we only fed Jinx in his crate, and we didn't feed the other dogs unless Jinx was put up.  They went back to their normal shenanigans, and we continued to monitor them and make sure they were never left unattended.

The next October, around the year mark of having Jinx, there was another fight.  Ultimately, Tug started it by being a bully and growling at Jinx while I was playing fetch with him in our living room.  Tug was bothered by the commotion, and about 10-12 throws in, he decided he was going to end our game by trying to go for the toy rope himself.  Jinx suddenly figured out that he was bigger than Tug and he wasn't going to take the grumpy old man's crap anymore.  A battle began; I jumped off the sofa and landed with my knee on the ground in between them, and Jinx bit me in the soft inner thigh.  My adrenaline was pumping, so while it startled me, I knew he didn't mean to do it, so I worked to separate them.  Jinx was just too strong, but I had managed to have them apart 3 times, and each time Tug kept coming back for more.  Finally I could not hold on to Jinx anymore, and when he freed himself from my grip (never trying to bite me!), he had Tug in some sort of choke hold...and then Tug's collar broke and he fell to the floor.  I grabbed Jinx again, while Tug just lay there motionless.  I told my daughter Lander, who was barely 5 at the time, to pick up Tug and put him into the crate.  Then I told her to run into my room and close the door and wait for me.  I let Jinx go and finally collapsed.  I was exhausted.  I put Jinx on a leash and led him out to our deck.  He did not resist.  Tug stirred and caught his breath, so I took him into the bedroom, and I put Jinx in the crate.  Then I went back to tend to Tug's wounds.  He had a split open spot about a half inch wide under his chin and some other scrapes, but I think his collar snapping saved him from being choked to death.  I put some Neosporin on his wounds and he was fine.  I was a wreck.  My nerves were shot.  Lander was freaked out too.  She and I were the only ones home when it happened.  We were the only ones to see the crazy in Jinx's eyes.  But when I came out of the bedroom, Jinx was laying down in the crate back to his sweet, adorable self, complete with precious puppy dog eyes full of love.

That night I bought Tug his own crate.  We decided that since Tug was the instigator, it wasn't fair for Jinx to always be crated instead of Tug.  We began to crate at least one of them almost at all times, and I was afraid to have them both out any time Brett wasn't home.  This system really was working.  I also think Tug started to realize that Jinx wasn't going let him be a bully anymore.  Tug didn't mind the crate.  He mostly just slept in it and even hung out in there when we didn't lock it.  

A few days later I had a bad fever and the bite on my thigh had become infected.  The surface area of the bite had increased by about 400% and it was hot to the touch and hard as a rock.  I went to Urgent Care and they informed me that I had canine puncture wounds.  I was confused b/c it didn't even bleed so I really just applied some Neosporin and thought it was going to be a bruise.  The doc said bleeding would have been better b/c it would have flushed out the infection and bad bacteria.  Oh well,  I thought.  Live and learn.  But I definitely started to feel a sense of constant stress around the dogs.

That same month, prior to the fight and bite, we had our 2nd miscarriage after trying for nearly a year and a half to get pregnant.  When the fight happened, we decided that we needed to put some protective rules in place for our family.  We instructed our kids and all caregivers NEVER to get involved in ANY fight, no matter how bad it was, and that while we would all do our best to prevent fights by using the crates and sticking to our feeding routines, we knew it was still possible for a fight to break out at any time.  Jinx and Tug's relationship was unpredictable, and Jinx was stronger than everyone except Brett.  Furthermore, I started doing research on boarding training programs and dog aggression and even looked into re-homing him.  We talked about it, but ultimately none of us wanted to abandon Jinx and we couldn't in good faith give him to another family without disclosing the circumstances, and it just didn't feel right.  Besides, we loved him dearly.  We trudged ahead, always on high alert, and with the exception of a few minor scuffles, it was smooth sailing for the next few months.  

After losing our 3rd baby in February, we were blessed to get pregnant again in May.  To keep my stress level down this time, we enlisted the kids' help with the dogs a bit more.  They were mostly cooperative and helpful, but Jinx was definitely high maintenance, having recently jumped the fence and scaring a neighbor who was walking her dogs and causing her to fall and hurt her knee.  At that point, we decided that to protect the entire neighborhood as well as to make sure Jinx wasn't hit by a car, he could NOT be left outside even for 5 minutes unattended.  Jinx was spending a LOT of time in his crate during the day b/c he was very hard for me to manage when I was working from home, but Brett was spending at least an hour with him throwing the ball out back every night.  Their bond was tight!  When school started, we put together a routine for the kids.  Jack would take Jinx out back after school and throw the ball for 10-15 minutes and then bring him in and put him back in the crate before starting Homework, and Lander would take Della and Tug out front to potty with the help of the babysitter.  Our wonderful babysitter Emily is part of our family, and she was great about watching the dogs and always aware of the fight possibilities.  We instructed her to to put Jinx away any time she wasn't going to be right there with them or any time they were doing homework and needed to be free of distractions.  She also knew that if there was ever a fight, her job was to protect the kids and NEVER get involved.

3 and a half weeks into the school year, things seemed to be going fine.  It was just a normal Thursday afternoon.  The weather was nice.  Kids did their routines.  Homework was done.  Emily and the kids were hanging out in the living room and kitchen area watching a few minutes of TV and having snacks, and Jinx and Tug were both out with no drama.  I was working from home and Della was in my bedroom with me.  In just a few minutes, they were going to put Jinx away and study for Jack's Social Studies test.  It was about 3:30PM.

Then from the bedroom, I heard Jack say, "Emily, Jinx has a pizza crust."  Jinx had jumped up on the counter and gotten a crust from the pizza snack Jack had just finished.  Then Jack said "Emily, Tug just threw up."  Neither of these things were alarming.  We have a lot of pets; someone is always throwing up.  Jinx gets on the counter and we are constantly telling him to get down.  I heard Emily lovingly scold Jinx about the crust, and thought nothing of it.  Maybe 10 seconds later, Jack yells "Emily the dogs!" And then I heard Jinx and Tug in battle.  

I run out of the bedroom within seconds and there at the top of the stairs Jinx is in control, dominating Tug, who hasn't the slightest chance.  The children are screaming.  I yell at Emily to take them outside onto the deck and stay there both so they don't see the attack and also to keep them safe.  I am 4 months pregnant, so I know I can't get close enough, but I think quickly and grab an umbrella and some other random things and begin throwing them at Jinx.  He doesn't stop.  Maybe 1-2 minutes in, he is choking Tug and I can see that Tug is already lifeless.  Blood spurts form Tug's neck and I call Brett to see where he is.  Brett is about a half an hour away.  I hysterically scream "Jinx is killing Tug!  Jinx is killing Tug!"  Brett is screaming back into the phone "Make it stop! Make him stop!"  I say I'm scared and have to protect our baby, and then Brett is frantically saying "No! Don't touch him! Stay away! But make him stop!"  I'm trying not to panic, but I'm sobbing and I tell him, "Tug is dead!  Jinx killed him!"  Jinx begins shaking Tug like a rag doll, like toy he's trying to get the squeaker out of.  At this point, I already think Tug is dead, but Jinx just continues to maul him.  I am so afraid.  I'm afraid Jinx will hurt me if I get too close.  I'm too afraid to try to save Tug.  Feces and vomit and blood are flying around my living room as Jinx continues to shake Tug like he's playing a game.  He looks proud of himself, and he is wagging his tail with crazy eyes.  I take a blanket and try to throw it over Tug to drag him away from Jinx, but it doesn't work b/c Jinx gets caught in the blanket too.  The deck door opens and Jack and Emily come in with a football and some other balls to throw at Jinx.  Jack had climbed down our 2-story deck with no stairs and grabbed the balls, threw them to Emily and climbed back up.  We start throwing the balls, hoping they will distract Jinx, but it doesn't work, so I tell them to get back on the deck.  Emily is trying to keep the kids distracted with "I Spy" games and talking to them, but the truth is they can hear everything.  I am still screaming and desperately pleading with Jinx to stop.  This has gone on now for about 10-15 minutes.  

Jinx finally lays down with his kill in front of him.  It looks like he is licking and sniffing and then pawing and scratching at him.  His tail is still wagging.  I wonder if he is confused why his brother isn't playing back.  I manage to get close enough to Jinx to grab onto his collar.  I am still afraid, but he no longer has Tug in his mouth.  I gently pull him, and he immediately rolls over submissively like he does when he doesn't want get into the crate.  Emily sees from the deck that I'm making some progress so she opens the door and excitedly calls Jinx onto the deck.  He trots out there, tongue hanging, tail wagging, still with the crazy eyes.  I rush the kids and Emily off the deck back into the house and close the door and lock it with Jinx on the deck.  Jack sees the crime scene in the living room and begins to freak out.  I tell Emily to take the kids down to Jack's room and just close the door and read to them.  She does better than that and takes then out of the house on a walk around the neighborhood.  Then I collapse onto the floor, pull Tug into my lap and hug him while sobbing uncontrollably.  

He is undoubtedly dead.  His one eye is open and his tongue is halfway out of his mouth and already draining color.  He instantly feels cool instead of the little ball of heat he normally is.  He is covered in blood, maimed and full of puncture woulds all around his neck and back of his head.  His ears are torn.  He has vomit in his mouth and feces smeared all over him.  I feel as if I cannot move, and I am clearly in shock.

Meanwhile, Jinx is on the deck scratching and jumping on the door, crying and still looking in with the crazy eyes.

Brett comes in about 15 minutes later.  He stands in shock at the scene.  Then he moves over to the deck door and yells at Jinx.  "WHAT DID YOU DO!!!!  LAY DOWN!!!"  Jinx immediately snaps out of the crazy eyes and back to the sweet puppy dog eyes we know and love.  I am baffled and heartbroken, and I'm still on the floor holding Tug and sobbing saying over and over again "Jinx killed Tug. He killed Tug."  Brett tells me I need to breathe and stay calm for the baby.  I try, and we sit together in silence.  Then Emily comes in and says the kids are at a neighbor's house but she came back to help me.  She grabs cleaner and just starts to clean b/c it is all she can think of.  She is devastated too, and also in shock.  I don't move for about another hour.  All the while, through this entire ordeal, Della is barking and crying and scratching the door from inside my bedroom.  We don't let her out yet.

Brett and I know what needs to happen next, but we are slow to take action.  Finally, still holding Tug I make a call to the person who gave us Jinx.  She has become our friend, and we have stayed in touch, sharing pics and stories of the dogs for nearly 2 years.  I tell her what happened, and I say I am calling out of respect just to see if she has any ideas for a way to save Jinx.  She calls her partner who works with a rescue, but then calls me back and says you need to do what you need to do, and if we were in this situation, we would do it too.  

Next I call the vet, but my vet is off on Thursdays.  I beg them to please reach out to Dr. Fairchild.  We know what we need to do, but we need to hear it from him.  He has been our trusted vet and dear friend for 15 years.  They tell us to just come in and bring both dogs, but they will try to reach him.  A few minutes later Dr. Fairchild calls.  The conversation was dismal, but he was firm and protective.  He said he doesn't just care about our dogs, he cares about our entire family, and a year from now it could be our baby.  He says it is the right thing to do, and he knows it is hard, but he believes it is best for Jinx too.  Giving Jinx away is not an option either, as we could not put another family at risk.

It is about 5PM and we know we need to get to the vet before they close.  Brett brings up a box from the garage and I wrap Tug in a blanket and place him in it.  Then we let Della out of the bedroom.  She runs to the box and sniffs it and then leans on it and whimpers a bit. She gives us kisses and then she starts exploring the crime scene.  By this point Emily has cleaned up most of the visible debris.  Brett takes the box to the van, and then he comes back for Jinx's crate and secures it in the back of his truck.  I get in the van and wait for Brett to get Jinx so we can leave.  Brett leads Jinx through the house on the leash, and Jinx is scared to get in the truck.  He gets him into the crate and then I hear Brett begin to sob.  I get out of the van, and we both stand in the middle of the driveway and pet a sweet and loving Jinx who has no idea what is his fate.

When we pull into the vet parking lot, they are waiting for us.  A tech is there to take Tug and another is there with a muzzle ready to take Jinx.  First Brett gets the box with Tug and hands it to the tech.  Then they give him the muzzle to put on Jinx, but he doesn't know how to do it and doesn't do it tightly enough.  Jinx is scared.  He scratches at it and gets it off immediately.  I say, here, let me do it, b/c I have done it almost every time we have come to the vet before. I get it on him seamlessly. He doesn't resist.  He is scared, but he loves and trusts us.  We lead him into the building and into one of the exam rooms.  There are blankets and towels on the floor.  They already know what is going to happen b/c Dr. Fairchild prepared them.  They are patient with us and do not rush us, even though they are closed.  They talk to us about what is going to happen.  Another nice vet comes in and they give Jinx a sedative.  We are crying and petting him.  He is practically sitting in my lap b/c he is scared.  He is not the killer he was just 2 hours before.  He is our sweet, loving giant puppy.  They take him to insert an IV, still with the muzzle, but when they bring him back to us, we decide we can take it off.  He is calm now from the sedative and just smiling at us and snuggling.  Brett gets down on the floor and we scoot close together.  He is holding Jinx now.  We tell Jinx we are sorry and we love him and we know he didn't mean to kill Tug, but because we love him this is what we have to do.  We tell him he is a good dog.  He is a loving dog.  We know he loves us, and we will miss him so much.  The vet administers the drugs, and Jinx goes limp in Brett's arms.  He had his beautiful smile upon his face when he passed.

I've never seen my husband cry the way he cried in that moment.  Jinx was the most fun dog he'd ever had.  They had a special connection, and Brett was the only one who wasn't afraid b/c he was never worried about Jinx overpowering him.  I know that having to make this decision, no matter how right it was, was still tragic and devastating.  We sat with Jinx for a few minutes.  We talked about how things happen for a reason, and maybe if this was bound to happen, to protect our family, Tug took one for the team, The McQ Zoo.  We thanked our little "one-eyed warrior" for his bravery.



Paperwork and cremation decisions and payment done, we left and headed home.  Emily had left by then and the kids were still with the neighbors.  We spent another hour cleaning up and trying to make the house seem normal for when the kids would come home.  We were not in agreement about what to tell them.  We had spoken to our neighbor and he told us Lander was optimistic about Tug but thought we would be giving Jinx away, but then he said she also thinks Tug might be dead.  Jack was completely distracted and playing with his friends.  He is much more sensitive while Lander is matter of fact.  I wanted to tell the kids the truth, but Brett did not want to tell them we put Jinx down.  He thought it was too sad to lose 2 dogs in one day.  I convinced him that the healthiest thing to do was tell them the truth and teach them that you cannot keep a dog who kills another dog b/c he is a danger to your family, and you cannot give him to another family b/c that is not safe either.  Brett eventually agreed honesty was best.  He went to get the kids and I prepared for the conversation to come.

The first thing Jack said when he walked in the door was, "wow, how did you get it so clean in here so fast?"  We explained that Emily did a lot of the cleaning and we finished up once we came back from the vet.  We all sat down on the sofa and they asked right away if Tug was dead.  We said yes, Tug is dead.  They both cried, Jack more than Lander.  And then they asked about Jinx.  We told them that the vet gave Jinx some medicine to make him go to sleep and not wake up.  Jack was confused and asked where is he?  We told him he is in Heaven with Tug.  Jack was still confused and so we started to explain about how you can't keep a dog like that, but Lander interrupted and said, "so basically, we killed Jinx on purpose."  We said yes, but that it was not a violent death; it was peaceful and calm, and Daddy held Jinx as it happened.  They cried some more, and then Lander got mad and said she was kind of happy b/c Jinx was annoying.  Then Jack said he was sad b/c he loved taking Jinx outside to play.  And Lander said that she was sad b/c she only got to take Tug out for 2 weeks and he was letting her put him on the leash without running away now.  Their emotions were all over the place, and rightfully so.  We explained to them there is no right or wrong way to feel.  It is okay to be sad about Tug and mad at Jinx.  It is okay to be mad at Jinx and still love him.  It is okay to not love him anymore.  It is okay to feel sad when we are thinking about it, and not sad when we are not thinking about it.  It is okay to play with your friends and be happy and only feel sad when you notice Tug isn't snoring or Jinx isn't there to snuggle.  It is okay to ask questions and cry and talk about it whenever you feel like it.  It is okay to notice things are different or not notice it at all.  Any feelings or no feelings are okay.

The evening wore on, and the kids watched TV and ate some dinner and we all just sort of went through the motions.  We all watched Della closely to see if she was acting strange, but she was just the same old Della.  We decided not to send the kids to school in the morning, but to let them sleep in and take them later if it seemed they were doing alright.  Friday morning, they were doing fine.  Brett took them in around 10AM and then drove around like a zombie all day.

I took Friday off and spent the day crying a lot, trying to rest, looking at pics of the dogs, and talking to my BFF who brought me lunch and listened to me recap the horrible details.  I was also drowning in guilt.  Why couldn't I protect Tug?  How could I let this happen to him?  He was my baby before my babies were born.  He was our wedding gift to ourselves.  He would have been 11 years old on Sept. 2nd.  He may have been an old curmudgeon to Jinx, but he was the sweetest, cuddliest, friendliest dog to anyone he met.  He was one of the founding members of The McQ Zoo.  Lander had mentioned the night before that we wouldn't be The McQ Zoo anymore, but we told her we will always be The McQ Zoo, and that "zoo" was about the chaos in our lives, not just the pets...but I couldn't help but think the same thoughts.  The McQ Zoo is broken, missing pieces, not whole.

I looked at pictures of Jinx snuggling with Tug, spooning with Jack, resting his head in Lander's lap.  How could this sweet dog be a killer?  Instinct or not, how does a dog just snap?  Did we do something wrong?  We failed him!  He was so young, with so much life left, and such a loving and happy joyful spirit.  No matter how cooped up he was in his crate, he was always happy to see us.  He was forgiving and loyal and he lounged across my lap daily while I worked and kept me company.  He slept with me every night under my feet, and he cuddled with Jack every morning.  He was wild and hard to manage and high maintenance, but he loved us.  He trusted us.  We let him down too.  

And then I was mad at myself for feeling any love towards Jinx.  How could I still love this beast who mauled and maimed my sweet Tug?  How could I feel anything but hatred towards him?  And I was reminded of a story my sister tells about when I was a baby.  My mom always told her that she'd love her no matter what, that she could never do anything bad enough for mom to stop loving her.  So she asked her about the worst possible thing she could do.  She said, what if I killed Brooke?  My mother told her I would still love you, but I would visit you in jail.  That story played over and over in my head, and I found myself believing it about the dogs too.  I loved Tug just the way he was.  Nothing he could have done, no matter how much of a bully he was always being to Jinx, would have made me love him less.  I just had to jail him in his crate when he got out of hand.  And I loved Jinx just the way he was, wild and reckless, overly affectionate with kisses and always needing attention.  I can't help that I still love him, even though he killed Tug.  True love is unconditional.  And true love is freedom.  Putting Jinx to sleep was setting him free.

I believe we gave both of those dogs a great life.  Before Jinx, we took Della and Tug everywhere with us.  Camping trips galore!  Once we got Jinx that changed.  This past summer, we took Della and Tug on a trip to FL to the beach.  We left Jinx at home with Emily, and he was just as thrilled b/c he loved her as much as he loved us.  Tug and Della got the VIP treatment on our vacation and we viewed it as one last hurrah for their golden years.  Along with his old age came more frequent potty trips, and every night Tug had been waking me up around 2AM to go out.  But when you take one, you have to take them all, so while it was necessary, it was certainly exhausting.  The day he died he had woken me up at 2AM and again at 4AM.  I had been so annoyed, but I always took him.  

We never became complacent after the very first fight.  We were always trying to make the best of the situation and give all the dogs we loved a wonderful home.  With the baby coming, we knew things with Jinx were going to need to change, so we had been talking to a friend who's dog was finishing up boarding training with a private trainer, and we were considering doing it when her dog was done.  Her dog comes home this week.  Too late now.  

The kids believe what we tell them.  Partly that is b/c we tell our kids the truth, so they CAN believe us and trust us, but when we tell them things as if they are facts, like that's just what you have to do with a dog who kills another dog, they just seem to accept it and move on.  Their emotions come in waves, and sure they are still sad, but they are already asking when we will get another dog.  While the actual event itself was traumatizing for them, they feel comforted and safe knowing that Mom and Dad are handling this and taking on the burden, and they can just keep being kids.  That is what we as parents want for them.  We say the dogs are in Heaven, and that's what they believe...

But for ourselves, there is this underlying sense of guilt, both b/c we didn't get rid of Jinx to protect Tug in the first place and b/c we had to make the decision to put Jinx down.  We are not God, so deciding another soul's fate is a responsibility and a pressure we never wanted.  Choosing to end Jinx's life was the hardest decision we've ever made.  He was not a sick dog, suffering with disease.  He was not the killer he became that afternoon.  He was part of our family, and we suddenly had to cope with what seemed like an eye for an eye version of punishment towards him.  I couldn't just love him and visit him in jail.  There is no doggy jail.  Any doggy jail is the pound, and that is just another death sentence waiting to happen while surrounded by fear and sadness.  At least we were able to love him to the very last second.  

Do all dogs go to Heaven?  God, I hope so.  I hope Jinx is in Heaven too.  I know Tug is.  I tell the kids that the Heaven I believe in is where we become the best version of ourselves, whatever that may be.  For Jinx it would be him as a puppy, playful and carefree, before he ever felt threatened.  For Tug it would be a few years back before he became a grumpy old man, and with both of his eyes healthy again.  I hope they will find each other and become friends in their new home.  I hope they feel loved and happy and remember how great their lives were.

And most of all, I hope they know they will always be part of The McQ Zoo.